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Emotional Overload

I dont know if you know what an Empath is, but it is a person who can feel the emotions and pains of others. Sometimes I can be sitting still and start feeling an emotion that I know can’t be mine. For example, I can be washing dishes and a huge sadness will come over me all at once and bring tears. Or I can be sitting at the pc on twitter with my friends and get so angry that I just want to lash out and curse and break things.
Being an empath is really a rough and strange life. Sometimes it feels as if we live in two worlds, the one we feel and the real world. We really don’t fit in in the real world. We are very emotional beings with very big hearts. We love everyone and want to take away the pain and the hurt from those we feel. Maybe that is why I try to mother everyone.
There is nothing we can do about it. We just have to roll with it or go crazy. I do notice sometimes when I get these emotions, someone shows up needing me. Most of the time it is just to talk or for a hug and a big…it is gonna be ok baby; this too shall pass.
Those of us that are empaths we have extremely strong emotional vibes. We have to be careful and learn to control them. What ever we are feeling at the time will transfer to others and change the whole mood of what is going on. But the upside to that is our love is so strong that we can send out that vibe and everyone will feel wrapped in a blanket of love. I guess that is the best part of being an empath. We can share the love of God with everyone we come in contact with. And that is a blessing in itself.

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Wow I never thought I would feel lonely. I am not alone. I have my children and my neighbors, but I am feeling so lonely. There is a big empty place in my soul and I don’t know why or how to fill it. I always thought that I would love being able to be all by myself and peaceful. Loving the quiet and just doing me. But I am realizing that without someone to love, hold, nurture and take care of, it is causing something to be missing from my soul.
I have been told my many people that I am not superman and I can’t save everyone. At the time I didn’t realize what they were saying until I met someone that had AIDS and I called him crying saying I am so sorry that I can’t fix this for you. I guess that is when I realized I CAN’T fix everyone. And now that I have fibro and am sick most of the time, I now know I can’t even fix me. I was in a relationship with a man that was not good. 95% of the time I was very unhappy and wanted out. Now that I am out of that situation. I am feeling the loss. It is not that I miss him, but I guess I have no one to fix. To help, to hold on to when they need a stable anchor. I don’t know how not to be the caregiver or the nurturer. I don’t know how not to have someone to love and take care of. I dont know how to fill this empty space I have in my heart and soul. This is so painful. So empty. I just ache inside.
I am going to have to give this emptiness to the Lord and pray he fills it. He knows my needs, my hurts, my pains, my heart and most definitely my soul. I need Him to help me through this. Because I am sure He is the only one that can fill my void.

He Heard My Cry

I was so depressed today. I had a big task ahead of me and I didn’t know how I was going to handle it. I was in tears and just crying out to God that I never had anyone when I needed someone to help me. My heart was heavy and so full of sadness. I felt so alone and deserted. But God was listening and watching my tears fall. There is a song that says “There is no pain that Jesus cant feel. There is no hurt that the Master can not heal.” Well I got to witness that for myself. In the middle of my tears my phone rang and it was a friend and she said I will be right there. Also two neighbors knocked on the door and with sleeves rolled up were ready to help also. Through my hurt and sadness, Jesus heard my cry and answered with just what I needed. Such a beautiful lesson to learn. And my heart is light and grateful for God’s love.

Who Do I Turn To?

I always try to help anyone in need. If they need money I will give my last dime. If they need food I will empty my cabinets. I offer my time, energy, (what little I have), cigarettes, phone, just what ever they ask for I try to provide.
I watch these same people walk by my door many times a day going to the store or other places and they never even look in to see if I am alive. They never say hi I am going to the store do you need anything, of course I would have said no or if I did, I would hand them the money. But no worries there because they definitely aren’t going to stop.
Even my own foster daughter is guilty of all this. The phone rings off the hook if she needs me to help her with my granddaughter, or if she needs money for a bill she cant pay. Or if someone is giving her a hard time, Mom will get on the phone and get things straightened out for her. I have a problem with standing on my feet due to back problems so I asked her to come clean my kitchen for me. Now mind you, I just stepped in for her with her ex, paid one of her bills, and gave her gas money. She has been sick and I went to her home to make sure she was ok. It has been 4 days and she has yet to even ask if I still needed her help. So needless to say I will have to drug up on pain killers to do what i need to be done.
I know I sound like I am whining but really I’m not. It just aggravates me that I do so much for everyone and I have no one when I need something.
But I am soooo glad I have a Savior that knows my every need and who will step in at the last minute to take care of me. I always ask who do I turn to, but then I have to remind myself that my help comes from the Lord. I know I need to cry out to HIM more often and let HIM know what is going on in my life even though HE is right there watching and knows the outcome before I do.
But with a heavy heart I still sometimes ask “who do I turn to,” when I need someone to do things for me.

Has anyone ever asked you a question and when you give them the answer, they don’t want to hear it?
My aunt is a devout Christian and there is nothing wrong with that. I also believe and love the Lord. But here is the problem we are having. This is really the first time she has spent a lot of time around me since I came down with fibromyalgia. So of course she had the usual questions and made all the wrong statements. Statements like “you just need to fight through the pain” or “if you got up and just did more you would feel better,” and blah blah blah. So I let her read “Letter To Normals” to give her a better understanding of what I am dealing with. I truly feel in my heart she doesn’t understand what I am dealing with so I gave her some slack on the things she would say to me. Then she started saying things like “Well Tracy doesn’t hang out with me anymore cause she SAYS she doesn’t feel well. I think she is just tired of me.” WHAT!!! Really? Are you kidding me? She is sick too had has a lot of lung problems. I never say Ohh Stella doesn’t want to be bothered with me so she says she can breathe??! Man that is so hurtful and she can’t see why this hurts my feelings.
For 6yrs I have had to explain my health, my disease, my symptoms and why I don’t feel like going out and doing what the rest of the world does. I never thought I would had to do that with her. So now she comes at me saying, ” don’t say you dont feel good. Don’t say you are hurting. Don’t say you are exhausted. If you speak these things into being they will happen.” HUH? How am I speaking things into being when they already are? I do hurt, I do feel bad, I am tired! So I asked her am I suppose to lie when asked how do I feel?
I am just telling the truth. I am just saying what is. So we go into this back and forth about what I am suppose to say about my condition and I asked her the question that I ask everyone else. If I was sitting here bald from chemo and had cancer would you be saying the same thing to me? Of course this comes with the answer that there is nothing wrong with words of encouragement. Of course there is nothing wrong with words of encouragement, but why am I not allowed to say how I feel? If I say I am ok then I am expected to do every and anything everyone wants and expects me to do. But if I say I feel lousy then I am scolded for speaking negatively. Where does it end? What am I suppose to say? Do I lie or tell the truth. I don’t know what to do, or say or think anymore. I am so tired of defending myself with this horrible disease. And after encounters like these they wonder why I stay to myself all the time. So I am going to show them what i am talking about since they dont want to hear me. No matter how bad I am feeling I am going to lie. And when they come to pick me up or ask me to go somewhere with them I am going to do it. Be it with a cane, doubled over in pain or using the store wheel chair. Since they dont want to hear what I have to say them maybe JUST MAYBE they will see what I am not allowed to say.
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I have always believed in the Golden Rule “Do unto others…” But sometimes those “others” try to take my kindness for weakness then not understand why I cut them off and out of my life.

Since I have fibromyalgia I totally understand what it means to be in pain. I truly feel for those that have pain also. There is a young couple that lives in my complex. A couple of times they have came over to ask me if I had anything for a migraine. Due to the fact I have them also, my heart went out to them and I gave them something to stop their pain. All I said to them was that I don’t mind helping them, because some day I might need them as well. Well the next week they came by again claiming they were having migraines again. Hmmm my radar went up, but once again I helped them. Well once again all I said is, maybe I will need your help someday. Next they asked if I could take them to the store. Being the big hearted fool that I am, I let them borrow my car. All that I asked was that they put the gas back in my car because my son had to get back and forth to work. Not only did they not put the gas in the car, I had to tell them I needed the gas money as they had promised. Once again I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Several people had told me they would try to use me and take advantage of my kindess. But I try to take people at face value and gave them another chance. Well this time the young man calls me saying he is hurting again! Hmmm could I be dealing with a drug addict? I am trying not to judge this young man or think the worst pf him. Once again I helped him. Well later that day his wife called and brought me dinner for being so nice to them. So once again I have them the benefit of the doubt until…he calls me again the very next morning! What the hell? I have fibro and I am not in that much pain! This time I tell him NO, that I have given them all the help that I can and I need the rest for my own pain. Needless to say I have not seen nor heard from them since.

I hate to judge people. I hate to make assumptions, and I try not to listen to gossip about others. But it really hurts to see the very behavior that I have been warned about. I have a huge heart and I try to help everyone. But dont take my kindness for weakness, and don’t think you can get over on me. I will give you the shirt off my back, but don’t keep coming to me asking for more shirts! I think what makes me so angry is that they try to play me for a fool. Foolish I’m not! And I will give you enough rope to hang yourself. But it also makes me sad because I try to be nice to everyone, but no one tries to be nice to me. Sighhhhhh.

I have had so many kind and uplifting remarks on the post about my son. It is time for me to update that post and give you some good news.

I am not sure if you have read any other post but when I began my blog I was about to go through a huge change in my life. My boyfriend of 4 yrs was leaving and I was very apprehensive. My son was also rebelling at the moment. So saying all that comes to this moment.

I had to inform my son that times might once again get a little tight around here due to the fact we were only going to have my disability income to depend on. In saying that I had to once again tell him he was going to have to get a job to support himself and help me if I needed it. He once again threw a tantrum yelling that he knew he needed a job and I didn’t need to tell him that once again. Needless to day an argument ensued and as usual the screaming match went no where.

But actually once the boyfriend left my son seemed to totally change his attitude. He seemed to be less angry and more relaxed. He once again became the sweet protective son I had always knew. He started doing more around the house and started hanging around in case I needed him. No longer did I have to have the screaming matches to get him to do the things I needed him to do around the house. Actually I didnt have to ask him to do them at all. I would just look around and he would be doing things without having to be asked at all! As I sit here thinking about what had happened to bring about this change, I remembered a time before when my son felt he had to take care of me and protect me.

When my son was 4 yrs old I became deathly ill and had to have emergency surgery. Before I realized how sick I actually was it was my 4 yr old son that stayed by my side and tried to take care of me. Being such a little fellow he was extremely proud that he was able to take care of his Mommy. He has always been proud of the fact that he took care of his mom during those weeks.

I guess when I got sick with this fibro I could not discipline him the way he needed. He got out of hand. On top of that, a MAN moved in to take care of his Mom and that didn’t float at all! He really started to act out and I didnt understand why until the last couple of weeks watching him ” take care” of me once again. I may never know why he did a total turn around at this time, but that is ok. We are getting along better than we have in years. Maybe he just needed to “take care” of Mommy.