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Sometimes things happen and you have no earthly idea why. I am sitting here wondering what i did wrong to make him so mad at me that he didnt come home.

He called me and asked did he need to buy something for dinner and lunch or did I cook. I told him that we would have to buy something because I was not feeling well. Once that was said he started in on me about using a different dish cloth to wash dishes and one to clean the stove and counter. I advised him I was not feeling well and as long as it got cleaned what was his problem. He then starts screaming about bugs and getting sick and I told him we will talk about it later that i was sick. The next remark made was there is no need to talk about it. This is the last time i will tell you. OK so as far as I know it is over. He comes home and we go to the store and i get him what he needs. But he has this attitude the rest of the night.

So I sit here going through my head trying to figure out what I did wrong. But I still for the life of me cant figure it out. I sit here thinking about all the changes I have made to make this relationship work. All the things I have done for him that others havent. How i have tried to help him build his self esteem and had his back in all things. How I have stuck my neck out for him so that he didnt have to.

Now on the other hand he has done for me. Bought my clothes, kept my house clean and purchased food. But why can i find more things that I have done for him than he has done for me? I dont want to bring any of those things up but they are swirling through my mind. I dont want to say the wrong thing. I dont want to argue. I dont want to point out all these things I did for him. So I continue to talk to myself to get it straight in my mind so I dont do or say the wrong things. Do I just stare straight ahead? Do I even talk? Do I just acknowledge all he says is wrong about me and let it ride? The more I talk to myself the more questions I have. I don’t know how to handle this. Maybe my instincts will kick in and tell me what to do when the time comes. Because all I know is that by talking to myself it is not getting any easier.

Easter Sunday my boyfriend and I were visiting friends and family when all of a sudden my legs started aching. It was only my shins so I didn’t really think anything of it until I looked down. My legs, ankles and feet from the knees down were swollen. They had gotten so big my leg and ankles were the same size! I had been sitting most of the day so I didn’t think it could be from being on my feet. Because of that we decided to cut the day short and come home. Once I was able to put my feet up a while they went down. I don’t know what happened but it was not fun. I guess just another fibro symptom.

One of the main symptoms of fibro is depression. This seems to be one of the hardest to fight. If you are not careful and recognize the signs, it will continue and get deeper. Some signs of depression, is pain, fatigue, restlessness, sadness and the lack of wanting to do anything. One of my main symptoms is wanting to sleep. Sometimes I just get sleepy for no reason and have to fight to stay awake. I have to really stop and think, am I really sleepy or is this just depression.

With fibromyalgia, you dont have to even have a reason to be depressed, it just happens. I know a lot of times it is due to the chronic pain. Knowing that you have to live like this the rest of your life is enough to depress the happiest of persons. But sometimes you just wake up feeling sad and have no reason to be. These are the times we have to step back and analyze what we are feeling and why.

This morning I woke up with all the things I wanted and needed to do on my mind. But while sitting here having my morning coffee, a sadness just came over me. I dont want to do the things I know i need to get done, I dont want to go out shopping for the things i need, and I am missing my daughter like crazy. But I do know from experience, this is just a fibro depression moment that I need to get past. But when I am having these moments it seems that everything in the world is wrong and it is all too much to handle. Sometimes my meds work and sometimes they dont.

We all have to find a way to get past these episodes. Sometimes I can just talk to someone, just ride it out or even just get out of the house. I hope each and every fibro sufferer finds what works for them and use it each time you have those moments. Maybe they will find a cure someday and all this madness will be over.

Bitter Much?

I never thought I would be that woman that becomes bitter toward men and love. I have an Aunt that is extremely bitter toward men and relationships and I vowed I would never be like her. But damn…sitting here today reading tweets on twitter between 2 lovers made me realize I hate to even here about love and how good a man or woman is to each other. I do let them know how precious and blessed their relationship is but then I felt jealousy. Wow do you know how hard that is to admit to yourself? At least I know what I am feeling and I most definitely know why. The few men that I have loved in my life, I loved them deeply and hard. I was good to them and I spoiled them. But each time it never works out and all I have done is trained them how to be a good man to some other woman.

I used to be that woman that would say…God made someone for everyone…HA! You will never hear me say that again. I dont believe it and even though I see people who are together and know their past I am finding myself wondering. How did she or he find someone that loved them enough to marry them? What am I doing wrong. Why cant I find a man to love me like that. Did they just settle for anyone? Are my standards set too high? Lord if I could answer those questions I would have my answer and understand what is going on with me.

I have a ton of faults and I know and acknowledge every one of them. I thought that once I figured that out then I would find that one love that was meant for me. Another HA! to add to the list. Maybe I dont know how to be in a relationship and haven’t learned what I need to know to be in one. ARGGG this is so frustrating. It is really driving me crazy and I have been praying for an answer.

The only thing I can figure out is that God doesn’t want me to love anyone like that but Him. I do know he is a jealous God and nothing and no one is suppose to come before Him. I believe I am one of those people that are suppose to be single for life. Some people never marry and die that way. Maybe that is my station in life. To only love God, show others His love through me and always be available to do so. If I have a man, I won’t always be available to those that need me I guess. Am I happy about this? NO…do I understand this? KINDA…do I have to accept this? YEA. If God wants me to live this way I have to accept it but I sure dont like it.

So many people have told me to be patient and stop looking for love and it would show up…HA! I have waited 46 yrs for the love of my life and he has still not shown up. I was teasing a friend and said I only give him 4 more years and after that I give up lol. And now that I have fibromyalgia, I don’t go out, I am always at home, I do not go places where I would be able to meet anyone. So with a life like this…how the hell am I suppose to meet that special man? Is he just gonna show up at my door? NO! So what is there to hope for? I really dont have any hope anymore for that special man that is suppose to be my husband. He doesn’t exist and I am not looking for him. I just pray that God will fill that empty hole I feel in my soul for my true love. All I know to do at this point is just build that wall I have been fighting against all my life and shield my heart from any more hurt or disappointment. Bitter much? HELL YEA.

What More Can I Say?

I guess I need to start from the beginning. Give a short background on my foster daughter Ashley. Her mother didnt want her and her sister so she sent them to their father. He didnt want Ashley so she was bounced from house to house and into a girls home. Her father had to go to Iraq and decided he didnt want Ashley left in his house with her uncle while he was gone. I had only met her one time and it was the beginning of my fibromyalgia. She was 15 at the time and called me to ask if she could live with me because everyone told her I would help her. So now I have a 16 yr daughter a 12 yr son and now a wild unloved 15yo, and dealing with fibromyalgia. I did all I could to love her and raise her like a good mother would but it was too late. With me being so sick I couldn’t control her like I needed to so I had to send her to her family. She came back to me pregnant but let her mother (who didnt want her to begin with) talk her into an abortion. She got out of control again so back to family she went. The next time she came to me she had a newborn baby Aubrianna. This little girl became the love of my life and my grandchild. His family never even gave Ashley and Aubrianna a thought until just in the last year and they get mad cause that child calls me Granny but that is another story all together.

Well in saying all that I will jump to the present. Ashley is now 22 and Bree is 3. Him and his mother are jealous of my relationship with Bree but I have been there since she came into the world. James (baby daddy) is a dog. I really hate to say that about men but he has 4 or more baby mothers, 6 children that I know of and has never helped any of them. After Ashley got pregnant he wanted nothing to do with her, but that is his MO…he loves them till they get pregnant but then leaves them. Well with Ashley this was the first time he actually stayed with his child’s mother and the child. But now he has cheated on her and anything else he can get away with. He has played with my daughter’s mind so much that anything he says she believes and falls for. This man is 40 yrs old and knows how to play a naive girl that has had a hard life.

I know it sounds like I am rambling and perhaps I am. But I am at my wits end with this situation! I have talked, preached, screamed, bargined with her to stay away and not even talk to this man. I told her if he wants to see his daughter to take her to His mother’s house or he can pick her up from my house. But trying to talk to her is like talking to the wall. I keep telling her to call the child support office daily until they listen to her and arrest him or make him pay her. I tell her he is stalking her and that is a serious crime and she can have him locked up. But during those conversations all she does is give excuses as to why she cant do these things. I tell her to stop being so gullible and do what she needs to do. All she says is Mom I know I know…then fucking do it!!!! This situation is really killing me. What else can I say to this girl to get through to her? All I can do is pray and I pray all day and night over this girl. Lord Help US!

How many people say I love you. It seems to roll off the tongue so easily. They say that they are suppose to be the most precious 3 words anyone can say to another person. I think these days it is just another phrase. Just another empty sentence to go with all the rest. People should stop and think what type of impact those three little words can have on someone. I feel that you should never even open your mouth to word them unles they are actually coming from the heart. How many young women have lost their virginity to those 3 words? How many people have stood in front of a pastor, preacher, ect and swore those words to each other in front of family, friends, and God. Then 5 years later realize it wasn’t love that caused them to join together in the first place. How many babies have been born because some poor girl believed those 3 words and gave herself over to the person that spoke them? How many people have given up their lives, dreams, and goal to be with the person that said I love you?

These 3 words are suppose to be beautiful but no one seems to see the ugly side of those words. If someone says I love you, don’t just swoon over and believe it. Listen with your heart and make sure your heart not only heard those words but heard them also. If you don’t feel their love in your heart or you feel any moment of doubt then don’t just fall for the words. If they run at the first sign of trouble they dont love you. If they disappear when you need them the most, they dont love you. If they leave you knowing you depend on them for your life sake, they dont love you. If they cause you pain in any sort of way, they dont love you. If they are selfish, or hurtful with their words, or conditional with their love, then they dont love you. An last but most importantly, if they hit you, punch you, kick you, choke you, then they damn sure dont love you. Love doesnt hurt.

If a person really loves you they won’t even have to say it. You will see it in their actions and in their eyes. Their body language, they way they hold your hand. In the way they hold you and shield you from the world when you are depressed and feel that everyone and everything is against you. In the way they tell you every think will be alright and you believe it no matter the situation. They will be there for you before you even have to ask. You will have any doubt about their love for you. You will both feel butterflys when you see each other. The sound of your voices will sound like angels in each others ears. You will not be able to breathe without each others love.

Love is beautiful, love is kind, love is peaceful, love is joy, love is strong, love is sweet, love will be there when everyone and everything else is gone. Love will endure forever no matter what. Love will accept you just as you are. If you hear those 3 words and you don’t feel any of those things, then it is not love it is just 3 words with no meaning.

I had to house sit for my Father this weekend to babysit his cats. OMG those things are the devils spawn. Occie is the one that bites me, Cali hates me and won’t let me touch her and Cookie is shy and hides all the time.
Well I would have rather kept newborn triplets! Those cats almost drove me crazy! When I got to the house Occie and Cali were outside. Occie went in the garage like he was suppose to but Cali decided she didnt want to go in and ran off. Since she is Dad’s favorite I figured I better find her fast. I waited up until 1:30 hoping she would come back to the door. Well no Cali the next day either! By eight that next night I was in a panic. As I was getting in the car to search the neighborhood, she popps up out of my Dad’s truck! Once I get her in, Occie and Cookie run out. By then I figured out I was in cat hell! After all that happens, I was trying to keep Occie out of the house and he bit me 3 times! Not only that I forgot to unlock the door and locked myself out. I had to call my daughter to call my Father at the beach and find out where the extra key was hidden. Trying to get cats in and trying to get cats out wore me out. I told my Dad I hated his cats and will never babysit those demons again. LOL.